“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
This week I will share about…
Can our husband safely trust in our conversation? When he is gone will he wonder what you are saying about your private life or about him?
Talking bad about our husband to others can spoil his reputation among the brethren. When a wife does not get her way, telling other sisters about how unreasonable or controlling her husband is can make her feel better for a moment but it will spoil his good name.
I have had a couple sisters in Christ that have continually cried to me about how horrible their husbands were to them. One wife would call me in desperation telling me that she could not take his controlling nature any longer. She felt she was not allowed to go anywhere or do anything but serve him. It did not matter that she had talents and dreams, she was forced to set her life aside to be at his beck and call. I listened, I cried with her, and I began to despise her husband. There were times I would get so angry for how poorly she was being treated that I would tell her to leave him. Wow. I know now that I was wrong to feed into her back biting as I did. The right thing would have been to have a meeting with her and her husband along with my husband and I. Her husband deserved his day in court. He had no voice and I did not get to hear his heart as I judged him and condemned him.
The poor conversation pulled me into relating situations in my own marriage that I was not happy with so we began to co-miserate. Our husbands brought before the slaughter of our words. Every time I would be around her husband I would think he was such a jerk even though he would be so kind to our family.
Years later, I saw myself as a wretched wife. I would see how trust worthy my husband was, how he would never go around telling people about how nasty I was to him. He did not tell people when I would slam a door in his face or tell him that I was leaving him when I did not get my way. I could act like a total unreasonable jerk to him and trust that my good name would not be smeared. No one wants other people to know what happens behind closed doors. Even the people who have a great measure of self-control, can act nasty in their own seething, quiet way and would not want others to find out about it. From then on, I knew it would spoil the trust we had in each other. I stopped my slanderous tongue against my dear husband.
When another wife came to me about her troubles with her unreasonable husband, I did not cater. I did not feel sorry for her. I saw my own past ugliness in her every word. When you know there are husbands out there that beat their wives, molest their children, commit adultery, watch porn, or are addicted to alcohol/drugs. What a blessing it is to be married to an honorable man who may be stern and controlling but only wants to protect his family. He is generally like that because he feels a grave responsibility to the Lord for his children. This husband carries a heavy weight in his heart, making sure he provides the resources and protection that his family needs.
And then his wife goes around telling people all that he says behind closed doors in order to vent, instead of trusting the Lord to give her the grace to endure. When you put it into perspective, the beaten wife of a perverted husband would simply give anything to have such a protective man who she can trust. It is all in your perspective. I have learned not to tolerate this behavior. It is hard for me to not comfort and allow her that venting, but I know it is one sided and it spoils the trust that he may have in her. If she were actually in a dangerous or abusive situation, I would have called the police and had him arrested. I do not mess around with things like that since I was abused myself. If you are in an abusive situation, I would suggest the same. It is a sin to enable such abuse to continue. In this woman’s situation, she was simply not happy because her husband was being harsh and unkind towards her. She feels unappreciated and overlooked. A typical “Me Monster” situation.
What can an unhappy wife do to keep her conversation pure?
- She can pray.
- Try to treat her husband the way she would wish to be treated in all areas of life.
- Make a practice of writing down all the wonderful things about her husband.
- If she is faced with an opportunity to talk bad about her husband: stop talking, pray, and change the subject.
- Say something kind about her husband every opportunity she gets in public. It is better they think he is her hero for his protective ways than for him to be known as a tyrant.
Are you telling intimate details of your married life? Can your husband trust in what you are telling others about his private life? His finances? This has caused my husband more frustration than almost anything else I have ever done. I tell people too much information. Recently, when my husband was having an ailment, I asked him why he did not tell me he was suffering for so long. He said that he was afraid to tell me because he thought I might broadcast such a thing. I had a terrible habit of just saying whatever came to my little mind. Sometimes he would just shake his head in disbelief that I actually said a certain thing. He did not trust my mouth at all. He knew it was an untamed thing and could burst forth with just about anything at anytime. It takes years to regain the confidence and trust in a person once it has been lost. I told him that I would never tell people about his personal issues and that it has literally been years since I have done such a thing. He looked back and me and said that I had been doing much better in recent years.
My training sessions…
When I used to get around other people, I would become nervous if there was a space of time that no one was talking. I felt it was my God given responsibility to fill that void. Then the floodgates would open and I would tell all.
To train me, he would have a slip of paper in his pocket that he wrote TMI on. When we would be in a situation where I was talking and I started to give out too much information about private things such as our finances or other personal issues, he would flash that piece of paper in my direction. Even when I was on the phone he would pass by with that paper as a gentle reminder. That really worked for me. I wanted my husband to trust me again, so I really appreciated how he helped me overcome.
My husband showed me these bible verses,
Proverbs 21:23-Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
Matthew 12:36 - But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
Psalms 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
James 1:19 -Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
I can see so much wisdom in his lack of words. My many words have gotten me into worlds of troubles throughout my life. I see this now, but there was a time that I was not so appreciative. The one thing that has driven me the most mad in our marriage in the past is how little he talks has become the best thing for me. I simply could not understand why he had almost nothing to say. What was he thinking? Was he thinking at all? On the flip side he once told me how much he loves to hear me talk to him. On long rides listening to all my stories, he actually enjoys my many words and feels empty if I stop talking to him. One day he said to me after I wondered why he did not talk very much,
“You are like a babbling brook. Your voice is a comfort rolling over me. I am a deep well. It takes a lot of effort to draw the water up. It only gets drawn up when there is a need.”
Amazing. I love how his few words carry the meaning of my thousands.
I have learned that the freshest water comes from the deepest wells within the Earth. Everyone knows it is unsafe to drink out of a stream unless it is flowing from a fresh spring. You can see how clean it is by the clarity of the water. If it is clear and cool, you know it is spring fed and you can trust in it. The spring of life is Christ. If you are tapped into Him, pure words flow from your heart. Lord, please let our conversation be pure and undefiled. Let our words be healing and edifying to our husbands so that his heart can safely trust in us.