“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.”
This week I will share about…
Do you make commitments that involve your husband without getting his approval? Can he trust that you will not over commit yourself or your family in things that cause him to stress? Do you keep the commitments you make to him, setting aside all else to serve in your home and family?
A Hard Time Saying "NO"...
Saying "NO" has been something hard for me to do my entire life. When someone asks me for something or to help them with something, my heart rejoices for the opportunity to serve and to love my neighbor as myself. I do not count the cost as I willingly abandon practical wisdom. Often times I will not even tell my husband until the commitment is at hand. He always looks completely surprised and says, "What?!!! You have to do this now and you did not tell me?" It stresses him out when he has to bring things together that have not been thought out prior to the event. I figure it would be too much to tell him in advance and he may freak out either way. What is my deal?! How could my husband ever trust that I will be careful about my planning? How many things can I do in one day?
What happens is I get very frustrated because I put too many irons in my fire. I race around the house and start getting short with him and with the children because I keep my commitments once I make them. I do not want to let others down when all along I am letting down the one's that need me the most-my family. This has been a serious problem for me for so long, and I am happy to announce, I finally "Got it!"
Okay, I must say, I get myself into some serious pickles with my commitments. I had taken on an older couple to care for and move from another state without my husband's full consent. He was not very keen on the idea and felt that it could be something that would turn into a lifelong commitment. It is something that you can not abandon once you commit to. I plowed through with the plans because I felt so sorry for the couple. I knew no one else would do it, and I felt that they needed us or they could die. My heart just could not turn them away.
He knew it was bad to let the poor people die, but wished we could help some other way than to have them living right next door. It is just that he felt we had so much on our plate with health issues, homeschooling, and business to take on another family. He was wise way beyond words. He practically killed himself moving them and paying nearly all the expense of it as well. The man was accusing him of not spending enough time on the move and he was upset that things had gotten broken or left behind. My husband felt so horrible because he did all he could do and it just was not enough to please the man. It broke my heart knowing it was my fault that he had to endure this.
That is not all, it turned into a constant need. The man needs fellowship, love, help with many things, and it is a real need. Mark has to take him places because he does not have transportation. And when I could bear no more the daily 3 hour visits (during my homeschooling or busy morning schedule), he had to try to keep him occupied. When I completely wore myself out this past month, I had to point my finger at myself since I was the one who invited this into our lives.
Beyond that, I committed to homeschooling other children and taking in another person to live with us. All without prior council from my husband. I just say "Yes, yes, yes!" Pickles of pickles. I just pour myself into all these other people all the while I let my family go by the wayside.
Finally, I broke under the weight of my self imposed burdens. Burdens that I essentially created for myself. And none of these people are to blame. They had real needs and I love them all so much. All of the people have been so kind and wonderful but having too many at one time proved to break down my will to serve my family. You see, when I have others around, I have this genuine love for that person. I seek to please them and to fulfill their needs. It is real for me. I get emotionally wrapped up in that person's life. When they are sad, I am sad for them. If they are joyful, I rejoice with them.
It ends up becoming an emotional roller coaster ride for me. My husband is left with the after effects. He gets me after I spent all my energy and after I poured all I had into someone else's life. When I get burned out and weary, I run into his arms, broken and unsure of how to fix myself. I ask for answers and beg for help from a man that needs me to be there for him as well. I want him to fight the battles I started. It is not fair to him nor is it right for me.
God has been teaching me that I need to protect my heart so that I can give it fully to my husband, my children, and to the Lord. I want my husband to trust that I will not get him into a pickle.
It is good to be helpful but I found out that there is an easy solution to making commitments with others...
Ask my husband first.
If someone asks me to help them with something, all I have to say is...
"I would love to help, but I need to check with my husband first and then I will let you know."
Wow, that was easy!
I have time to ask my husband and find out what he thinks and if we have time for this new commitment. We can also figure out a solution together that maybe is even more simple than me doing it for them. At the very least, we could pray for them and recommend other options.
It is very important to keep the commitments that you have made with others and most importantly with your husband. As I have mentioned before, I was great at keeping my commitments to others that I had made, but lousy at keeping the commitments with my own family. I guess when you know you have unconditional love in your home, which is a very good thing, you know you have some flexibility. If you let your neighbor down, they will get mad and think you are irresponsible. If you let your husband or children down, you know they will still love you and will be there waiting for you.
When my husband asks me to take care of things that are important to him, I write them down and intend to complete them. When other people come calling, I set my list for my husband aside. When he asks me later if I was able to do those certain things, I would let him know that this person needed me. He always says, "oh, that okay, maybe you could try to get it done tomorrow." He never once got upset with me as he appreciated my giving heart towards others. He feels it is a rare quality and it is something he loves about me. I know I have let him down in keeping my commitments to him and it is something I think I should work on.
I want him to trust that I will keep my commitments to him and give him my first fruits. He deserves my whole heart since we are one flesh. I do not want to have him asking someone else for help because I have overextended myself. If I can build his trust that I will not get him into a pickle and I will be there for him when he needs me, he will have no need of spoil. His heart will safely trust in me.
A Recap of this Study on Proverbs 31:11
The meaning of "no need of spoil", biblically, is that he has no need to pursue gain or provision because his wife has been diligent to manage all the domestic affairs that he has committed into her care. He can trust that he will not have to worry about things while he is away for work each day. When we women get involved with inappropriate conduct, conversation that does not edify, or by overcommitting ourselves so that we fail to have the energy to manage the affairs of our home in a whole hearted, joyful manner, we pull our entire family down. It takes energy to keep our focus on our home and family. Sadly, we tend to put our energy into things that do not matter. We get busy worrying about what he did not do, or what this or that person did, and about everything else but our first calling. Negative energy will never make a family or marriage thrive the way it was meant to.
God's intent for women is for us to pour into our family first, keeping our homes a haven of peace, love, and joy.
(By the way, I am not doing a study for men and about how men fail so please do not comment below on how your husband is guilty of the things I wrote about today. Since this portion of the bible is speaking solely to women, I am addressing the responsibility of the wife. If you feel you want to find a study that deals with the husband, I highly recommend a book called Created to Need a Helpmeet. Michael Pearl gives a great study on the responsibilities and duties of a man in his calling as a husband)