What does it mean to pour?
- flow rapidly in a steady stream.
- prepare and serve (a drink): she poured out a cup of tea
- (of people or things) come or go in a steady stream and in large numbers: letters poured in.
- (pour something out) express one's feelings or thoughts in a full and unrestrained way.
I know I can attest to being "all or nothing", and I have had to train myself to learn balance. It took me literally my lifetime to learn this. That is why I wrote a book, in an effort to help others that may struggle with the same.
Everything I ever built up, invented, created—all my greatest efforts to make something prosperous has crumbled. Praise God he has never allowed me to prosper by the works of my hands. He keeps me constantly clinging, constantly in a state of sincere need of HIM. What would I want with a life of comfort and ease? I guess I would search for Him less and at the end of days there would be less to HOPE for.
God gave me many gifts as a child. I could do so many beautiful things with my hands whether it was music, painting, drawing, writing, or theatre. The confusing thing when I grew into a woman was that I thought I was not being a good steward if I would not use those gifts. It was a lie from the devil to distract me from the most precious gift I was given.
He gave me the gift of being a wife and mother. I have now realized that it is not bad to lay aside the talents I have to pour into the precious gifts that God has given me in this season of my life. What I pour into them has eternal value.
Being abused as a child made me search for validation and worth by the things I could master and create. I felt I was only worth something if I did something honorable in the sight of man to make a difference. Bringing healing to the broken was something that made me feel like I was doing something worthy. But there is nothing more worthy and filled with validation than being a wife and mother because God created me for that purpose. All those other things that I could create will be destroyed by moth or rust, but the souls of my husband and children will endure forever. What I pour into them matters.
I realize it has been a very long time since you have heard from me and that is because I am honoring my word to put my family first. It has not been easy for me to transition. The first few weeks I felt like a fish out of water. Everything I touched, did, or looked at pulled at my heart. If I was just living life, I felt an urge to snap a photo, document, or write about it. Somehow old habits die hard.
Each time I would take a deep breath and tell myself that I did not need to focus on that. I know it may seem very odd to all of you. It may even seem pathetic. It seems easy when you really think about it. Like, what is wrong with her? But I am telling you this because I finally figured out something very interesting. For months I had this aching in my heart, searching for what my purpose really is and why I do the things I do.
I think it is a natural drive to want to help people, to pour into others, and in turn you feel like you are doing something to make the world a better place and to help the broken hearted. Although Christ has healed my broken heart and gave me a new life in Him, I have often thought I could help others by telling my stories. These hurting people will read my stories, and they may find comfort. It was a blessing to know that I encouraged some and that some people were helped by my stories, while others would not receive the same wonderful healing I had received because I CAN"T do the work that only the blood of Christ is effectual to accomplish.
That is the truth. I am so thankful that God is a REAL and gracious GOD. He is able to take our ashes and make them into something beautiful. The only validation I need is in that truth. The validation of being a child of GOD, a mother, a wife, a homemaker by the grace of God, that is what matters. I matter to them. They NEED me. I am starting to see some great results since I gave up blogging. The kids are gathering around me again, and it is so encouraging. The precious gift of fellowship of my children.
We are moving into a simple life away from all the pulls and demands of a culture that is never satisfied.
It shows how patient, how merciful God really is to reveal things to us before it becomes too late. For some of the others young mothers that just do not heed the still small voice, they will one day wake up, even after they made their big walk of fame and glory, after they have helped a million mothers, and they make a fortune along the way, they will also wonder what I have wondered these past months. We wonder these things because God puts a desire in our hearts to minister to our families. And when they notice that their kids are all grown, moved far away, don't need them anymore, they will mourn for that loss. For when they gained the whole world but they lost the souls of their children, which is a risk they are taking, they will regret not listening to that still small voice when it was whispering in their ears to pour into those that He had given and entrusted to their care alone.
We are moving to an old run down homestead—one that we can call our very own. My husband started feeling better and was ready to do construction full time, a trade he is a master of. He loves the trade and wants to pass along that knowledge to his growing boys! It was right at the perfect time that I was ready to make his dreams mine! God is truly a miracle maker! He is going to be restoring an old building to make it our home and I can just feel the hours of fellowship within those walls away from all the distractions of technology, peers, and drama! It will be us homesteading and living life. At first, I was thinking I would film him making this barn a home, but I did not do my normal trying to convince him of how many people we could help. I just slowly asked with a secret prayer in my heart that this could be ours without the broadcasting fanfare. He said, “No, I want this to be our private adventure, to live a quiet life.” Wow, I was so thrilled that God heard my heart and blessed me through the voice of my leader. It amazes me.
The kids are planning for the farmer's market what vegetables they will grow on the land to sell. It is a very exciting adventure. One that will surpass anything I could have created with my hands. One that I know I will pour my whole heart into.
I can hardly hold back the tears even now thinking about how much God has been merciful and has given us this grand new adventure...
"Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy,
and find grace to help in time of need."